I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
