are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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