in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
