Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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