I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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