I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
