Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
