lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
