Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
