I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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