I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
