"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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