Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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