The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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