He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
