There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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