Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
