Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
