My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
