I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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