I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
