you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
