Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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