she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
