I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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