Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
