Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
