Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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