He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You left your phone here
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