You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
