I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I would fuck him just for his dog
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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