Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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