Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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