Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
