The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
