do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
