You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
