dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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