I'm so fucking centered right now
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How does one acquire holy water?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
