Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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