a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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