I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
