At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
