I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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