We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
