I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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