some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
