My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
