If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got inside last night via doggy door
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
