Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
