I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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