You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
