Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We need a shit load of segways right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
