did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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