Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
